My Experience with the Inaugural North Star Conference

Two weeks ago, for the first time since the organization was created eight years ago, North Star hosted a conference. The theme was: "At Home in the Gospel of Christ."

For those new to my blog, and who may be unfamiliar with North Star, the following is North Star's mission statement:

"The mission of North Star is to provide a place of community for Latter-day Saints who experience homosexual attraction or gender identity incongruence, as well as their family, friends, and ecclesiastical leaders. North Star serves those who desire the spiritual and social support that strengthens faith, builds character, and empowers men and women to live in joy and harmony within their covenants, values, and beliefs as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."

North Star stated the following to be the purpose of the conference:

• Create a safe and respectful place for all people to discuss experiences and perspectives on same-sex attraction and gender-identity issues within the framework of the established doctrines of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
• Promote Christ-like love and unity within our communities by listening and sharing one with another.
• Learn spiritual and practical tools that enable individuals to cultivate inner peace and gain an increased ability to live an authentic, gospel-centered life.
• Empower individuals to participate in furthering the Lord's work. We affirm that Jesus Christ alone has the power to heal, strengthen, and enable one's self to find eternal peace through living His gospel.

More information on North Star can be found on the organization's website.

Last September, North Star sent out an announcement inviting those within the North Star community to apply to be members of the organization committee for North Star's inaugural conference. Though I have been involved in several of North Star's discussion groups since they came about, I have never really taken the opportunity to serve or be more involved (as I had been in the past with other organizations). I saw this as a wonderful opportunity for me to get more involved as I had been wanting to do.


I was selected to help organize the conference and was placed on the logistics and hospitality committee. The committee I was on searched for and selected the venue for the conference, made arrangements with group rates for conference attendees at nearby hotels, and organized the volunteer efforts at the conference.

My biggest role was assisting with organizing the volunteer efforts. As I had previous experience in the past, I volunteered to create the volunteer schedule for the conference. Though it worked out in the end, and my previous experience was an asset, it was a much bigger task than anything I had done in the past. Rather than two different volunteer roles and about fifteen volunteers to schedule as I had in the past, there were six different volunteer roles and 40 volunteers to schedule. It was a daunting task, especially since I was busy preparing for a professional licensing exam and being a best man at a close friend's wedding in the weeks before the conference. And in spite of it all, everything worked out well in the end.

As I spent much of my time at the conference coordinating the volunteers, I was not able to attend all of the sessions. In spite of this, my experience of the conference was very positive.

The conference went from Thurs. May 29th through Sat. May 31st.

It started Thursday evening with a picnic. This was an informal gathering to give those that would be attending the conference the opportunity to socialize before the conference formally began. In particular, it was designed to give those who were new to events like the conference a chance to get to know other people that would be there. For those like me who have been attending similar events for years, it was a chance to socialize with old friends, and an opportunity to meet new people. I was able to do both.

The conference formally began Friday morning. I did not have the opportunity to attend very much of the opening session, though I did attend one of the breakout sessions later that morning (in fact, I had been asked to serve as the session chair, meaning I basically conducted the session), as well as part of one of the sessions later that afternoon. I was also able to take part in the catered lunch and the networking mixer later in the evening. Both provided great food, as well as the opportunity to socialize.

The evening ended with a concert by the local band Eclipse. I was not very familiar with Eclipse beforehand, and was considering leaving early, as it had been a long day. Though in the end, I am glad I went to the concert. I enjoyed the music, and it was a positive note to end the day with.

Saturday was a lot easier for me. Most of the volunteers knew what they were doing at this point, and so I had an opportunity to attend more of the sessions. In addition, my parents and my bishop also attended the conference on Saturday. For lunch that day, I sat at a table with my parents, their stake president (who I knew from my time growing up in the same ward), two of the conference chairs that I had worked closely with, and several others.

The lunch also consisted of an awards presentation. There were three awards: the Light Keeper Award (three recipients were awarded this year to make up for the lack of conferences in the first seven or eight years of North Star's existence), the Beacon of Light Award (an award that had been awarded annually at the Evergreen Conference, and a tradition which North Star chose to continue after Evergreen was consolidated under the North Star umbrella), and the Fred and Marilyn Matis Award (which appropriately was awarded to Fred and Marilyn Matis).

The conference ended with a closing session, after which I helped clean up and said goodbye to many friends, old and new.

For me personally, the conference served a number of purposes. First, it gave me an opportunity to serve and give back to an organization that has done a lot to provide me and countless others community, support in living a life of integrity, and hope along the journey. It also gave me an opportunity to re-connect with old friends, meet new friends, and gain more support in living my values. Attending the sessions also gave me the opportunity to hear others' perspectives, and to learn or review tools that can be of value for me.

From what I have been told, it is estimated that about 500 people attended the conference over the three days it was held. It was the success the organizers hoped it would be, and many of us are looking forward to next year's conference.

Report of the 2014 Circling the Wagons Conference

Last week, I posted a preview of this year's Circling the Wagons Conference. This week, I will be reporting on the talks and panel discussions at the conference. If you missed it, you can read it here.

The first speaker of the conference was Randall Thacker, who is the president of Affirmation. Randall spoke of how when people of different perspectives come together, we can provide a future and a hope, and that there is more than one way to do so.

He also spoke of the importance of allowing individuals to come to themselves, and to learn things for themselves, and that others cannot do this for them. He spoke of the parable of the Prodigal Son as an example of how God allows us to learn things for ourselves, to wander away, if that is what we choose, but will welcome us home with loving arms if we choose to return.

Lee Beckstead was the next speaker. He started by speaking of the great divide between mental health professionals on what the best way to respond to individuals experiencing same-sex attraction is. Many of them have viewed those who believe differently as the enemy, and these views have been based largely on fear.

He spoke of how there has been much wrong-doing, inaccuracies and misunderstandings among those on each side of the divide, and how this has forced those with more moderate views to feel that they have to choose a side. But he also spoke of how this divide could be bridged, and how he and others have been doing so.

Respectful and open dialogue is the key. When these are present, fear is decreased and barriers are broken down. He also spoke of the importance of safety, and how that can come both from within and from those around us. We are each responsible for our boundaries and needs, and we can help others by respecting their boundaries and needs.

He spoke of the necessity of conflict and opposition for growth, that without them, things remain stagnant. He closed by speaking of the need of the LGBTQ and SSA communities to combine for their common welfare.

David Matheson spoke next. He started by acknowledging that a lot of people were probably asking why he was speaking at the conference. He went on to present three questions: 1) How well do I handle ambiguity? 2) How aptly to I accept diversity? 3) How do I respond to the unknown or the unknowable?

He spoke of how things are created based on how individuals perceive things. There is opposition in all things, and this opposition creates contrast and diversity.

He shared the story of his own journey and how his own views and perceptions have shifted over the years. He spoke about how each of us can be authentic and own our own truth without imposing it onto others.

He spoke of the similarities and shared goals that those with diverse views share and how all of us are responsible for the community we are in. Each of us can be part of the solution to ending the misunderstanding and fear that have divided the community for so long.

The next segment of the conference consisted of sessions of dialogue workshops. As I've mentioned in other posts, I find it difficult to take notes from panel or group discussions, so what I report on these will be my impressions and what I remember from them.

For the first session, I attended the workshop titled “Navigating Church Activity as an LGBTQ or SSA Mormon." The moderator was Jamison Manwaring, and the panelists were Tom Christofferson, Ty Mansfield, John Gustav-Wrathall and Kayla Burningham. The panelists came from a variety of backgrounds, two of them currently in same-sex marriages, one in an opposite-sex marriage, and another single. Three had spent time away from activity in the LDS Church, though all actively attend now.

The panelists were asked a number of questions, including what motivates them to stay active in church, how they respond to misunderstanding from other Mormons and how to navigate the differences between Mormon culture, the LDS Church and spirituality. Members of the audience were also given the opportunity to ask and answer questions.

For the next session, I attended the workshop titled, “The Value of Listening to All Sides Respectfully.”

Jay Jacobsen was the moderator for this informal group discussion. Jay described his interest as coming from one who was one of the original founders of North Star, but later had a shift in his beliefs. He had noticed as he listened to both “sides” of the debate on homosexuality, that there were misperceptions, and in some cases, vilification of those on the other “side.” Having friends and those he cared about on both sides of the debate, he developed an interest in helping all to listen respectfully and work to understand those with different beliefs and perspectives.

We were each given the opportunity to participate in a discussion around why we were interested in respectful dialogue. I spoke a couple of times myself (which required stepping out of my self-consciousnessness, as the session was being audio recorded), and shared that my reasons for wanting to have respectful dialogue basically came down to the Golden Rule, and that I found that to truly listen to someone else respectfully and understand them that I had to suspend my own judgments, and realize that listening to a different point of view didn't mean that I had to change my own point of view, and that if I were in someone else's place, I would want the same respect, acceptance and understanding.

I enjoyed the discussion, and found it to be very productive. There was talk about it being easier to listen respectfully when we stopped viewing others as being on another “side.” There was also discussion about picking our battles. We may not be ready to engage in dialogue with some people, and there may be some that are not willing to dialogue with others in a respectful way.

The final session was broken into two parts. The first part consisted of a panel discussion titled,
Opening the Circle: Growing Out of Exclusivity,” and consisted of the therapists that have been meeting together that was mentioned earlier. The panel consisted of Lee Beckstead, David Matheson, Marybeth Raynes, Jim Struve, Jerry Buie, Shirley Cox and David Pruden.

The panelists discussed a number of the experiences they have had in the last year that they have been meeting together. Having been familiar with several of the panelists (and knowing a couple of them pretty well) beforehand, I was impressed with how well that these men and women had come to understand and respect one another. Some viewed others as enemies not long ago. But now, they have been able to set aside the differences and no longer view the others as being on another “side.” As one panelist said, “We all want what's best for our clients and those in this community.”

The second part of the final session was a talk given by Marybeth Raynes, who is a social worker and marriage and family therapist, who has years of experience counseling LGBT and SSA clients, as well as clients with unrelated issues.

She started by pointing out that when something seems too simple, it is often the case that we don't completely understand it. She continued by discussing child development, and how young children see those that are similar to themselves as good, and those that are different as bad. This is a type of black and white thinking that most children grow out of, though with a number of individuals, it persists into adulthood.

She spoke of how we do not need to identify with any one aspect of ourselves, but see our whole selves. And when we are able to integrate all of ourselves and feel whole and at peace, we can then see others that are different and listen to opinions and beliefs that are different than our own without feeling threatened. We will be able to truly listen and understand others.

Bridges are built and walls are torn down when we look for parallels and things we have in common. When we find things that can be agreed on, we can then expand from there. The key is to listen, understand and negotiate.

The conference ended with a social that included musical entertainment, as well as a chance to socialize and get to know one another.

Overall, I would consider the conference a success. Although there are still important issues to be discussed, I believe this year's conference has shown that it is possible to get people together from opposite sides of the divide on how to respond to homosexuality to talk and to understand and respect one another. I look forward to next year's conference.

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As always, comments and feedback are appreciated.

Preview of the 2014 Circling the Wagons Conference

Over this last weekend, the Circling the Wagons Conference was held. I was fortunate to have the opportunity to attend it.

The best way of describing Circling the Wagons is to read their statement of purpose:

The goal of Circling the Wagons Conference is to create spaces where LGBTQ or SSA Mormons and their families and friends can gather to acknowledge, explore and honor shared experiences. No issues strike more deeply than whom we love and how we understand our beliefs about ourselves and God. These issues carry an especially profound weight in Mormon communities and have been the source of a great deal of misunderstanding, judgment and hurt. Consequently, gay Mormons are deeply divided over how to address same-sex attraction and negotiate the choices they face.

In convening this conference, we are inviting LGBTQ/SSA Mormons and their families and friends to step beyond historic divisions to establish a shared space where all who have ever self-identified as Mormon can speak truthfully and respectfully. We welcome all who wish to participate in a spirit of fellowship and openness, with condemnation for none and compassion for all, in the hopes that all will experience personal renewal and discover a basis for common ground in our shared heritage.

Many of the goals of Circling the Wagons coincide with my own. In many ways, Circling the Wagons embodies my own goals of building bridges between those of different perspectives on how to approach homosexuality.

In the press release of the conference a couple of months ago, it was announced that two of the keynote speakers would be Lee Beckstead and David Matheson. Lee Beckstead is a psychologist who was on the APA task force that came out with the statement on the appropriate therapeutic response to homosexuality, and practices LGBT-affirming therapy in his private practice. David Matheson is a clinical mental health counselor who was one of the original founders of Evergreen, was a co-creator of the Journey into Manhood and is the director of the Center for Gender Wholeness whose purpose is to help men who experience their SSA as unwanted to diminish their feelings and change their self-perceptions.

These two men both come from Mormon backgrounds (Lee is no longer a practicing member of the LDS Church, while David is), and have very different views on the origins of homosexuality and how to approach it in a therapeutic setting. And yet they were coming together to speak at this conference, to talk about their differences of opinion in a respectful manner and to speak of the common ground that they have found.

The press release for this year's Circling the Wagons Conference included the following: “Beckstead, Matheson, and other therapists who have had disagreements about how to respond to same-sex attraction have met on several occasions during the last year in hopes that constructive communication will make it possible for them to work together for the benefit of all LGBT and same-sex attracted Mormons. To our knowledge, this is the first time an LGBT-affirming therapist and a therapist who helps individuals diminish homosexuality have spoken peacefully together at one conference.”

David Matheson was also quoted in the press release as saying, “I’m excited for the opportunity to speak at Circling the Wagons and to tell people about the hope Lee, myself and the other therapists have that LGBT and same-sex attracted Mormons and their families and friends can work together to help the people we all care about. Too many families experience too much conflict regarding same-sex attraction. I want to work towards healing those families and relationships. Sure, Lee and I have differences, but we've been genuinely surprised at how much we have in common and how much we genuinely care about each other. We want to demonstrate how we can work together for the good of everyone.”

I started this blog in large part to pursue these goals. At the time, I felt alone in my desire. While I knew that there were some others that felt on the fringes of both the SSA and LGBT communities, not being able to fully embrace or be completely accepted by either, I felt that people like me were few and far between. And it seemed that few others were really working to end the misunderstanding between these groups and focus on the common goals that they share.

I admit that I felt slightly uncomfortable going to the last Circling the Wagons Conference. My perception was that while the goals were good, there was an underlying tension preventing those goals from being fully realized. I didn't feel completely safe to completely be myself or speak my truth. This year had a much different, much more welcoming feel to it for me, and I was able to speak my truth without fear of being judged or shut down.

At the end of the conference, I took the opportunity to briefly speak with Lee Beckstead. Over ten years ago, when I was a young undergrad psychology student, I contacted Lee, trying to get different perspectives on approaches to homosexuality from and LDS perspective. Lee had invited me to meet with him at his office to discuss these topics. Although Lee was opposed to conversion therapy, I remember being impressed with the balanced view he had in respecting clients' religious beliefs and supporting them in living according to their values, even if that meant not taking on a gay identity. That was not something I saw a lot of back then.

When I spoke to Lee after the conference, I reminded him of our meeting, and told him that when I spoke to him before, the dialogue that was happening at this conference now was what I was looking for then. We both expressed joy that it was finally coming about.

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Next week, I will break with the tradition of only posting every other week, and I will post my report of the Circling the Wagons Conference. As always, comments and feedback are welcome.

Report on 2013 Reconciling Faith & Feelings Conference

It's been a few months since my last blog post. I think in some ways it has been good for me to take a break. Now rather than posting because it's time to write a new post, I can post because I have something I want to write about.

Over this last weekend, the 2nd Annual Reconciling Faith & Feelings Conference was held in Provo, UT. The purpose of this conference is to provide a discussion for those that experience homosexual attractions and have a desire to live their lives according to the doctrines and teachings of the LDS Church. The format of the conference was a series of panel discussions in which the panelists would first be asked questions by the moderator, and would then have the opportunity to answer questions that had been asked by members of the audience. Members of the panels included those who personally experience same-sex attraction, along with spouses, parents, ecclesiastical leaders and counselors that have in some way been affected by homosexuality.

As was the case with last year's conference, I did not take notes as I find it difficult to take notes on panel discussions. What I report here is what I remember, and what my thoughts and impressions on the panels were. I'm also not going to report chronologically or what was said in specific panels (as I don't remember which panels everything was said in).

There were three different panels. The first panel consisted of those who personally experienced same sex attractions, and in the case of some of those who were married, their spouses. The second panel had a broad mix of individuals in all the categories I mentioned earlier. And the the third panel consisted of therapists who had experience counseling those experiencing same-sex attraction (some of whom also experienced SSA themselves).

The topic of change was addressed with the panelists being asked what change means to them. I was most impressed with David Matheson's response. He said that how change has been defined in relation to sexuality has changed over the last 20 to 25 years. It used to be that change meant changing one's attractions from primarily or exclusively homosexual to primarily or exclusively heterosexual attractions. He acknowledged that while this may happen for some, it is not the case for all. He stated that the issue is much more complex and that change can now mean a variety of things, and that the goal of therapy for those seeking counseling for unwanted same-sex attraction is not necessarily to shift the attractions, but to understand them and to change how one responds to them.

Another topic addressed was how to address attractions. For years the attitude in Mormon culture has been that homosexuality is something to be hidden, suppressed, and something that shouldn't be acted on. I heard that idea countered numerous times during the conference. At one point Ty Mansfield stated that it needs to be acted on, meaning that ignoring or suppressing would just increase the stress and anxiety surrounding it, and that there are healthy ways to address it within the context of living the principles of the gospel.

Another question concerned opening up to others about experiencing SSA. There were a variety of opinions on this, though there was a consensus that it should be shared to reduce the shame about the feelings. Some of the panelists suggested for those who have not opened up about it, that sharing it with a few trusted friends or family members was the best way to start out. It was also pointed out that there are also many who are completely open about it, having participated in Voices of Hope videos or essays, or through personal blogs about the topic.

The topic of how to respond to those in same-sex relationships also came up (whether they be friends or family members). Several spoke of continuing to show love and acceptance, and that one could do so without changing or compromising their values or beliefs. This had a lot of meaning for me, as it has only been about a year since I was in this position myself, and it was those that showed me love and acceptance that made it much easier for me to come back when the time came that I decided to re-commit myself to living the standards of the Church. In fact, without those that showed me love and acceptance during that time, I don't know for sure that I would have made the changes in my life and ended up where I am at now.

Another topic that had meaning for me was a question of how to come back to full activity in the Church after having spent time in same-sex relationships. One panelist spoke to what worked for her. She had difficulty at first as nearly all of her support network was in the gay community. She found that she eventually had to put some distance from some of those friends for a time and develop new friendships and support to make it through the transition. Another panelist spoke of friendships being a matter of mutual respect, and how those that were able to respect his decision remained his friends, while those who were not eventually dropped out of his life.

I will close by saying that one of the reasons this last topic was so meaningful for me is because it has reflected my own journey over the past year. In fact, it was after last year's conference that I ended my relationship with my then boyfriend and re-committed myself to living according to my religious beliefs. It has not been a smooth path back into full activity in the Church. There are a number of things I continued to struggle with, and a number of things of which I had trouble letting go.

But even though the path has not always been smooth, I find peace in knowing I am moving down the path that feels best for me, and that I believe will bring me lasting joy and happiness. I have made numerous friendships over the past year, as well as renewing friendships that I had made in the past. I feel loved and supported in my journey and goals.

Indeed, I got just as much out of the time spent with these friends that were with me at the conference as I did from the topics discussed. I was able to see and talk to and give and receive hugs from so many friends, both old and new. These types of events tend to be reunions of sorts for me, bringing together people both near and far and from a number of different time periods of my life. I really enjoyed the connection and camaraderie I got.

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Though I will not be setting a schedule as to when or how often I post on my blog, I suspect that I will write again soon. So watch for new posts in the time to come. Thanks for reading, and as always, feel free to leave comments or feedback.

One Year of Blogging

It has now been one year since I started blogging. One year ago I started this blog to create dialogue and build bridges between different groups of people and communities that quite often don't understand one another and often strongly disagree with one another. During the past year I have written on a variety of topics, some of them rather controversial. I have made it a point to live up to the name of the blog and run against the grain. I have stepped out of the box of what is typically expected for a Mormon, for a bisexual man, and for an SSA man. I have stuck to what I believe, regardless of what others have expected of me.

It's been an interesting year. I initially had a list of topics that I wanted to write about. I was sometimes surprised at how quickly I moved through those topics and would have to find others to write about. Sometimes one came up just in time, and I would write about current events and my perspective on them. At other times I experienced writer's block, and struggled to find something to write about.

At one point I started sharing my personal story and introducing family members in my blog posts. I found this a wonderful opportunity for this normally rather shy and introverted guy to open up and share about himself with others.

At times I felt disappointed at the lack of comments and feedback I received on my blog posts. At times I would think that nobody was reading my blog. But then someone would write to me and mention that they read my blog, or they would mention it in a conversation. Where before I wondered if what I was writing was making any kind of impact, I heard from others what they thought of what I was writing.

For the last year, I have kept to a regular schedule of posting on my blog every other Monday. There have been times I've surprised myself for keeping it going this long without either missing a post or being late. For a man with ADD, keeping this up was quite a challenge, and posting regularly for a year is quite a personal accomplishment.

I have gotten a lot out of writing this blog for the past year. It has caused me to think on a deeper level on a number of controversial topics. And it has helped me with my mission of creating bridges of understanding and acceptance between the LGBT/Queer, SSA and Mormon communities.

It is with mixed feelings that I am announcing that I am putting the regular posting schedule of my blog on hiatus. I have come to realize that I need a break. There have been a number of times recently that writing a post has felt more like a chore than something I was doing because I want to do it. And I want this blog to be something I'm doing because I want to do rather than something I feel I have to do.

This does not mean that I am going to stop posting altogether or that I am going to shut my blog down. I still want to continue the "My Story" series, and there are a couple of other topics I have in mind that I want to write about. What it does mean is that I will not be posting on a regular schedule for the time being.

In closing this post, I want to thank everyone that has been reading this blog, whether this is the first post you have read or whether you've been reading everything I've posted for the last year. I also want to thank everyone that has shared with me their thoughts and feelings about what I've written, whether it was done publicly or privately. Please continue to do so. Knowing the impact I have means a lot to me. I look forward to continue hearing from the readers of this blog that have been a large part of what has kept it going.

My Story -Part 6

When I last left off in the "My Story" series, I had gotten up to the age of ten. In this post, I will cover another few years of my life. If you have not read the previous posts in this series, I have included links at the bottom of this post.

I continued to do well in school for fifth and sixth grades. Both years I had the same teacher for a fifth/sixth grade split class (meaning half the students in the class were in fifth grade, while the other half were in sixth grade). I continued to be shy, and was still slow to make new friends, though with the friends I did have I got along rather well.

By this time the school had converted to a year-round program to accommodate more students without having to build more schools or bring in more portable classrooms. There were four different "tracks," three of which would be in session at any given time. We would typically attend for about nine or so weeks, and then have three weeks off school. When we came back, we'd be in a different classroom. I remember at first how it felt different attending school during the summer, though it was nice to have breaks from school during the middle of the year.

I also continued to be a very avid reader. Our school was involved in a program called Book-It at the time, which rewarded students for reading outside of class. I was so far beyond the other students in the class, that at one point my teacher got permission from my parents to take me to lunch as a reward during an off-track period.

When I started junior high school, I continued to do well overall in school. It was during seventh grade that I stopped taking Ritalin for my ADD. There is some irony in the fact that I stopped taking it mostly due to forgetting to take it. Though because I was still doing well in school, and because some of my symptoms of ADD had dissipated, my doctor and my parents didn't see a strong need to keep me medicated.

The one exception to me doing well in school was P.E. (Physical Education or Gym class). While I maintained As and Bs in all of my other classes, P.E. was the one class where my grades dropped to the C range. It's not that I didn't participate, because I did, but I was not very well coordinated, athletically or otherwise, and had never had a whole lot of interest in sports. These factors came together to affect my grade.

P.E. in junior high school is also when I can first distinctly remember starting to notice my attractions to other boys and men. Though there was almost never any full nudity in the locker room while I was in junior high school, and I can only remember a handful of times that we were required to shower, being in daily situations of seeing other boys shirtless in the locker room, as well as when we'd differentiate teams by "shirts" and "skins," I was definitely getting more exposure to seeing other boys in states of undress. With this added to swimming activities in Boy Scouts, I started to notice that my curiosity about what others' bodies looked like was developing into something more. Over the first couple of years of puberty, this curiosity turned definitively into attraction.

The more I became aware of the attractions, the more I tried to hide and suppress them. I also hoped that this was some sort of phase that would soon pass. Obviously it didn't. I did not think of myself as gay, as that was a rather abstract term for me at the time, and from what I had heard from those around me, was full of lots of negative connotations and stereotypes that didn't fit me. I also didn't think of myself as bisexual at the time; while I did have some interest and attraction to girls, I was not familiar with the term bisexual at the time.

I also noticed early on that I seemed to be alone in my attractions to other boys and men. I remember some sleepovers with my scout troop in a leader's backyard (in which our leader and his family were sleeping inside) or other sleepovers with groups of friends in which we'd get into games of truth or dare. Though nothing overtly sexual happened with these dares, some of them did involve flashing, mooning or stripping. I quickly noticed that I seemed to be the only one that was interested in closely watching in dares that involved nudity, and I remember the embarrassment and shame I felt when others noticed me looking much more intently than others during these dares. I tried to play it off when I got teased about it, but in reality, I was horrified at being found out. The teasing, while fairly mild in nature at this time, reinforced the sense of feeling different and pushed me to further suppress and hide my attractions from others.

During the summer after I finished 7th grade, my scout troop went on a week-long scout camp. It was during this time that I first developed an infatuation or crush on another boy. The camp counselor assigned to our troop was about a year or two older than me. I quickly found myself drawn to him. Though I did see him as physically attractive, it was his personality that drew me in more than anything else. He was outgoing and friendly (and in particular, he was friendly toward me). I just found myself always wanting to be with him or around him. Though I never saw him again after the camp, I definitely thought about him a lot in the weeks after I got home.

When I was in 8th grade, my parents sold their home in Kearns and we moved. As it took them some time to find a house that they liked, my family ended up living with my mom's parents for about seven or eight months. During this time, my youngest brother was born. So for most of that time, we had eleven people living in one house. There was little privacy, and me and my brothers and sisters alternated between the one bedroom set aside for the children and sleeping on couches, sofa-beds, and love sacks.

I was able to deal with the living conditions without much problem. What did become difficult for me was when we started attending church in my grandparents' ward and I started attending school in the neighborhood. As was common for me, I was rather shy, and slow to make friends. That in itself was something I'd learned to accept and deal with about myself.

What was difficult for me was that I wasn't well accepted by the other boys my age in the neighborhood. Several of them I had met before, as they were my grandparents' neighbors' kids. But as far as most of them were concerned, I was just the new kid in the neighborhood and therefore an object of teasing and ridicule. What made it worse for me was that on the surface they acted like they accepted me. It gave me a false sense of acceptance and comfort at first. Afterwards I felt as if I had been lured in, only so they had someone they could tease and make the butt of their jokes. It would have been easier for me if they rejected me outright. Instead, they pretended to be my friends.

There was one boy that I was able to form a tenuous friendship with. When we were hanging out one-on-one, we got along fine. But whenever he was with the group, he reverted back to the group mentality and teased me just as much as the others.

As I'd already learned to hide my attractions, I continued to do so around this group. In fact, one could almost say that I over-compensated. I remember one instance when we were walking home from school in which several of them mooned me, and I responded by covering my eyes and acting disgusted.

But the real lesson I learned from this experience was that not only did I need to hide my attractions, I also needed to hide my feelings, because the teasing wasn't nearly so bad when they couldn't see that they were getting to me.

It was much to my relief when the end of the school year came and my family moved into our new house in Murray. I saw it both as an escape from the incessant teasing that bordered on bullying, and an opportunity to have a new start with new friends.

* * * * *

My Story -Part 1
My Story -Part 2
My Story -Part 3
My Story -Part 4
My Story -Part 5

I am now up to the age of fourteen, and once again feel that I have reached a good stopping point. As always, I appreciate your comments and your feedback.

The Pros and Cons of Pride

Last month, a number of cities around the country and around the world held Pride celebrations. There was one held in Salt Lake City at the beginning of June. I did not attend it this year, though I have attended it the past two years. My experiences at Pride have left me with mixed feelings. There are definitely positive things that I saw about Pride, although there were also negative things. In this post, I will discuss both.

As I mentioned, many Gay Pride festivals, parades and marches took place last month. The reason that so many take place in June is because the first Gay Pride March took place on the anniversary of the police raid on the Stonewall Inn and the ensuing Stonewall Riots that occurred on June 28, 1969. The Stonewall Riots marked the birth of the modern Gay Rights Movement. The first Gay Pride marches took place on June 28, 1970 in New York City, Chicago, and Los Angeles. In 1971, seven more cities held marches, and by 1972, the number of cities holding marches had increased to 17, and every major city in the United States had gay rights groups.

Pride does a lot of good for the queer community. It provides an opportunity to gather together. It provides visibility. It brings awareness of discrimination, bigotry and violence that still does take place against LGBT people. And it helps bring in others to support the group. It also provides awareness about the risk for AIDS and other STDs. It provides awareness and support for those at risk for suicide. And it provides countless other resources for those in the queer community.

I would argue, however, that Pride celebrations do just about as much harm as good. I'll illustrate what I personally noticed with the first time I attended a Pride celebration two years ago. I ran in a 5K hosted by the local Pride Center, watched the parade and attended the festival. This was all here in Utah, so my observations may or may not apply to Pride celebrations in other cities.

At the time I was working to balance my sexuality and spirituality, both of which were important to me. At all of the events that I went to, I noticed a general anti-religious tone and a specific anti-Mormon tone. This not only made me feel uncomfortable attending, but also made me feel feel less than completely welcome. Because I was religious and I was Mormon, I did not fit the mold of what someone in the queer community should be (at least according to the opinions I heard). I found some bitter irony that a group that so strongly fights bigotry and discrimination in one area was so willing to take part in it in another area.

The other aspect that flavored my first experience with Pride was the overt display of sexuality. I remember one man in particular in the parade that was wearing so little, that what little was covered left almost nothing to the imagination. And though he was the most extreme example, he was far from the only one. I remember joking with a friend afterward that if I wanted to look at porn, I could have stayed at home. Quite frankly, I did not find either the parade or the festival to be family friendly. There is no way I would consider taking one of my younger nieces or nephews to a Pride event. They do not need that kind of exposure to sexuality.

I think both of these aspects of Pride that I observed do a great disservice to the queer community. Rather than creating understanding for those that struggle the most to see the queer community as anything other than sexual deviants who despise religion, it reinforces those stereotypes. It ignores the opportunity to gain allies and create bridges of understanding, and instead widens the gap of separation, resentment and misunderstanding that already exist.

I am not opposed to Pride celebrations, as I do believe that they do a lot of good. But if they are to be successful in their goals of reducing or eliminating discrimination, bigotry and misunderstanding, some things are going to need to change. Instead of being little short of a gay Mardi Gras, Pride celebrations could take a lesson from the Civil Rights marches of the 1960s that did so much more to create the needed changes in society.

As always, your comments and feedback are welcome and appreciated.