Report on the Second Annual North Star Conference

 Two weeks ago North Star held their second annual conference in Provo, UT. Unlike last year, I wasn't heavily involved in the planning or the execution of the conference. But I did help out as a volunteer, which enabled me to give back in a small way, while still having enough time to attend many of the sessions and interact with people at the conference.

The theme of this year's North Star Conference was “Let Your Light Shine Forth.” Everyone that volunteered or played a role in the organization of the conference was given a blue t-shirt to wear with the conference theme on it. Wearing the t-shirt was a good reminder of the theme, as it clearly showed that we were involved in supporting the conference.

Even though my role as a volunteer was intended to be more logistical, I had the opportunity to be a greeter for a while as well. Anyone that knows me well knows that I struggle with social anxiety. So standing in the lobby greeting people and asking if they were attending the conference was definitely outside of my comfort zone. But it also turned out to be a good experience for me as well, as I'm sure some of those attending for the first time were a lot more anxious than me.

The conference started out Thursday evening with an informal dinner, social and service activity. The social was very well attended. In fact, my only real complaint about it was that there were more people there than could comfortably fit in the room they used for it. And although I found the social to be a bit too crowded for me to get to know new people, I did get the chance to interact with a lot of friends, some of whom I had not seen in some time.

The conference proper began Friday morning. I did not attend the opening session, as that was when one of my volunteer shifts was scheduled. I did, however, get the opportunity to attend all the rest of the sessions and events of the day.

In the morning I attended a session about allowing our experiences to help us and others develop a deeper spiritual connection. I sat with some friends during lunch. After lunch was a general session with gospel writer James Ferrell speaking. I got to be a session chair (meaning I introduced the speakers and conducted the session) for the first of the afternoon sessions, which was on ways to get involved in serving in North Star and the Voices of Hope project. And for the last session of the day, I attended a session about learning how to manage perfectionism. And the day closed with a social mixer (and I was pleased with myself that I stayed for the whole thing, and didn't spend most of my time hiding in a corner).

On Saturday morning, the first general session featured Chad Hymas, who shared about how the adversity he experienced from becoming a quadriplegic improved his life and his connection with God. For the morning breakout session, I attended a session presented by Josh Weed and his father about understanding a child or sibling that experiences same-sex attraction. I sat with a different group of people at lunch and got to know a few new people.

For the first of the afternoon sessions, I attended a more interactive workshop about overcoming the negative effects of body shame. And for the session after that I listened to experiences from a couple of men that shared why it was worth it for them to stay in the gospel. The closing session featured Mariama Kallon, who was a convert to the church from Africa, and shared of her experiences with losing most of her family in a civil war in her native country, and how her trials brought her to Christ. After she spoke, there was an awards ceremony, and the incoming President of North Star was announced to be Greg Harris, who has done a wonderful job of being a conference chair for both of the first two North Star Conferences, and has served as a vice president of North Star.

Even though most of the topics at the conference were not new to me, many of them were still a great review. And overall, I think I got more out of the fellowship and giving service than anything else. I had the chance to catch up with a lot of old friends, met some people in person that I had only known online before, met a number of new people, and better got to know some people that I didn't know very well before the conference.

In the past, I have been afraid of letting others know about me. I have shared before that I have feared what those on either extreme would think of me if they knew of my attractions and how I choose to live my life. I am grateful now to be living more authentically and out of the shadows. The conference theme was a good reminder for me to continue to let my light shine.

I am glad I got to be involved in this year's conference, and I look forward to the conference next year.

Report on the 2015 Circling the Wagons Conference

 A couple of weeks ago, Circling the Wagons held their annual conference. Though initially I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to attend this year, as I've been less involved in discussions around Mormon and SSA/LGBTQ topics lately. Though after attending, I am glad I went.

The theme of the conference this year was “Courageous Conversations.” And just as in years past, the goal of the conference was to “open and expand a more understanding atmosphere for ourselves, for our loved ones with conflicting viewpoints.”

The conference was divided into opening and closing keynote sessions, along with two sessions in between dedicated to dialogue workshops. There was also a session the evening before the day of the main conference, which I was not able to attend, as well as a closing social.

The first speaker at the opening session was Tom Christofferson, who is a brother to Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He spoke of his experiences growing up in the LDS Church, as well as his decision to leave his membership in the church, as well as his decision to become active in the church again.

He spoke of his loving parents, and how they made a decision early on that the most important thing was having him continue to be the part of the family, and that they showed just as much love and concern for his partner, as they did for him.

Laurie Campbell was the next scheduled speaker. But before she spoke, her daughter, who had attended with her, briefly spoke. Her daughter describes herself as a liberal bisexual agnostic. She described how grateful she is for her mother, and the environment which she grew up in that allowed her to be herself while still knowing that her family loved her.

Laurie then spoke about some of her life experiences, and how she feels the same way about her daughter. She spoke about making family relationships the most important thing, and taking the time to listen to and hear and understand what the other person is saying.

The final speaker for the opening session was Justin Lee. Justin is a leader within the Gay Christian Network. He shared of his experience growing up in a conservative Christian church, and how the way he viewed things changed as he became more aware of his sexuality.

He spoke of how the Gay Christian Network serves a similar purpose as Circling the Wagons for the broader Christian community, and how that within the network they have individuals with a variety of beliefs regarding the expression of sexuality.

I next went to the dialogue workshop on “Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Same-Sex Attraction,” which was facilitated by Lee Beckstead and David Pruden. This was a smaller group, with only about fifteen or so people in attendance, and I found myself contributing to the discussion.

We discussed the spectrum of types of therapies available related to sexuality from sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE) to gay-affirmative therapy, as well as the pros and cons to different approaches, as well as some of the benefits therapies at either end of the spectrum might have. As many of the things discussed were things I had studied on my own beginning at the time I was an undergrad psychology major, I found the discussion very interesting, in part because I have had the opportunity to speak to both of the moderators (who come from different places in their personal approaches) about these types of therapy.

For the following session, I went to the dialogue workshop on “Responsibly Addressing Suicide.” In contrast to the earlier workshop, this one was heavily attended, with about forty or so people seated inside a small classroom. Kendall Wilcox was the main facilitator, with Ty Mansfield, John Bonner, and Marian Edmonds Allen serving as co-facilitators.

There was some good information provided concerning suicide, and a number of experiences shared by those who have either been suicidal or actually attempted suicide in the past. However, I found the structure of the discussion rather limiting, as talk about solutions was largely curtailed.

The closing session began with a discussion about the future of Circling the Wagons, as well as what could be done to improve the lives of SSA and LGBTQ Mormons. Kendall Wilcox facilitated the discussion, and it was interesting to hear so many views and ideas.

The final keynote speaker was Lisa Tensmeyer Hansen, who is a marriage and family therapist. She spoke on the importance of empathy.

Just as much as attending the conference was beneficial for what I got out of it, I also enjoyed attending it for the opportunity to see people I don't often see. These types of conferences tend to be reunions for me, and it was great to see people that for whatever reasons I don't see very often anymore.

I am grateful for Circling the Wagons and other groups and organizations like it. Though it's not always a fast process, I am excited to see the growth in understanding and empathy that comes from the courageous discussions that happen in places like this, and I am eager to see it continue to grow and reach more people.

A Timely Message

Two weeks ago, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints held their semi-annual General Conference. The day after this conference concluded, the Supreme Court of the United States announced that it would not be hearing an appeal to the case that ruled in favor of legalizing marriage between same-sex couples in Utah. Normally these two events would not be closely related to one another. But one of the talks given during the LDS General Conference proved to be very timely.

LDS Conference Center where General Conference is held

On the afternoon of Sat. Oct. 4th, Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles gave a talk titled, "Loving Others and Living With Differences." The theme of the talk was following Christ's counsel to avoid contention and showing love to others despite differences in values and beliefs. As part of his talk, he stated that this counsel applies in a variety of settings, including respecting laws that may differ from our spiritual beliefs. One in particular that he mentioned was the legal recognition of same-sex marriage.

Elder Oaks stated, "Though we may disagree, we should not be disagreeable. Our stands and communications on controversial topics should not be contentious."

He went on to say, "When our positions do not prevail, we should accept unfavorable results graciously and practice civility with our adversaries. In any event, we should be persons of goodwill toward all, rejecting persecution based on race, ethnicity, religious belief or nonbelief, and differences in sexual orientation."

Elder Dallin H. Oaks giving a talk at General Conference

This is the first time that I'm aware of that the term sexual orientation has been spoken in General Conference, let alone by an apostle. Though Church leaders have condemned persecution of gays and lesbians in the past, I was pleased to see the term sexual orientation used, as it is more inclusive than merely speaking of "those who experience same-gender attraction," as is generally been how it has been spoken of before. And in addition to stating that we should reject persecution, Elder Oaks also said that we should "be persons of goodwill toward all" specifically including those with different sexual orientations.

As I mentioned earlier, this talk was very timely. After the district court ruling last December, my initial impulse was to find a hole to hide in for a few weeks, as I knew the hateful rhetoric and contention among those both in favor and opposed to the ruling was sure to follow.

But here, just two days before same-sex marriages were once again legally recognized in Utah, Elder Oaks was telling Church members to disagree without being disagreeable, to avoid contention and to show good will toward those of differing sexual orientations.

And the difference I've seen between the response two weeks ago compared to ten months ago has been like night and day. I have heard very few people say anything negative against those with opposing views. In fact, by comparison, the change in the legal recognition of same-sex marriage has been discussed very little this time around as far as I have noticed. It was very heartening for me to see this change.

Elder Oaks closed his talk by saying that "as followers of Christ we should live peacefully with others who do not share our values or accept the teachings upon which they are based," that we should "lov[e] our neighbors of different cultures and beliefs as He has loved us...[and] we must press forward, having 'a love of God and of all men.'" (Elder Oaks's full talk can be found here.)

The interior of the Conference Center during General Conference

Hearing this message was very encouraging for me. It is how I strive to live my life, and it is my hope that we all may show love and acceptance of all, even when others may have beliefs and values that are very different than our own.

Building Bridges at Pride

A year ago, I shared a blog post titled "The Pros and Cons of Pride", which discussed both the good that results from Pride events, as well as the ways in which Pride does a disservice to the queer community. In my post, I shared that the two areas that I felt did the most harm included the anti-religious tone that I felt when attending, and the overt display of sexuality and sexual content.

There is little I can do regarding the latter, though I have decided that I can take steps to address the first.

Three weeks ago, the annual Pride Celebration was held in Salt Lake City. Though I had no real interest in attending the festival or exposing myself to the overt displays of sexuality that I have seen in the past, there were a few events at Pride that resonated with me that I did want to attend.

Two years ago at Pride, I attended the Interfaith Service and March. Much of what was shared in the Interfaith Service resonated with me. In contrast to the anti-religious tone I felt the first year I attended Pride, here was a place where people were coming together to celebrate their spirituality, and combat the message that coming out means one can no longer be a person of faith. For me, it was great to see so many people from so many different spiritual backgrounds come together and offer a contrast to the tone I felt at many of the other events at Pride.

I was interested in attending the Interfaith Service at Pride this year, though unfortunately my schedule did not permit it. But I was free at the time of the Interfaith Rally and March. And I also had the time available to march with Mormons Building Bridges in the parade.

As I considered attending events at Pride this year, I had to make a decision. Would the positive that I experienced and was able to share with others outweigh the negative that might come of it?

On the positive side, I would be giving myself the opportunity to spend time with and connect with others in the queer community for whom spirituality and faith was important and I would be able to take action to show others that there are people of faith (including people of the LDS faith) that show love, compassion and acceptance to those in the queer community.

On the negative side, I would potentially be exposing myself to the displays of sexuality that I mentioned (which I would prefer to avoid), and my attendance at both the Interfaith Rally and March and with Mormons Building Bridges in the parade could be potentially misinterpreted as messages that either I am open to or intend to pursue romantic and/or sexual relationships with men, or that I am lobbying my church to change its doctrines, policies or positions on same-sex relationships and marriage.

In the end, I decided that the positive outweighed the negative. I decided that by attending only these events, I could limit my exposure to sexual displays and content, and that I would be very clear that the only message I was sending was that of the sign I carried in the parade: "Love One Another."

I attended the Interfaith Rally and March with a couple of friends. There were things that were said or shared that resonated with me, and there were other things that did not. Likewise, when I marched with Mormons Building Bridges, there were others around me carrying signs that had messages that resonated me, while there were others that did not. And that was okay. With any group or organization that I associate with, I have learned to take what fits and leave the rest, and allow others to do the same. Someone else having a different opinion or belief than my own does nothing to diminish or threaten my own opinions and beliefs.

One of things that resonated the most with me was an exercise on compassion shared at the Interfaith Rally. The invitation is to look on someone who is different than me and that I may be tempted to judge, and take these five steps:
1. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: "Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness in his/her life."
2. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: "Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life."
3. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: "Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair."
4. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: "Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfill his/her needs."
5. With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: "Just like me, this person is learning about life."

I was glad to take a part in building bridges of compassion, love and understanding. Though I have long expressed so what I've said and written, it has been far more powerful to express it through my actions. I look forward to further opportunities to participate in building bridges.

As always, your feedback and comments are welcome.

My Experience with the Inaugural North Star Conference

Two weeks ago, for the first time since the organization was created eight years ago, North Star hosted a conference. The theme was: "At Home in the Gospel of Christ."

For those new to my blog, and who may be unfamiliar with North Star, the following is North Star's mission statement:

"The mission of North Star is to provide a place of community for Latter-day Saints who experience homosexual attraction or gender identity incongruence, as well as their family, friends, and ecclesiastical leaders. North Star serves those who desire the spiritual and social support that strengthens faith, builds character, and empowers men and women to live in joy and harmony within their covenants, values, and beliefs as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."

North Star stated the following to be the purpose of the conference:

• Create a safe and respectful place for all people to discuss experiences and perspectives on same-sex attraction and gender-identity issues within the framework of the established doctrines of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
• Promote Christ-like love and unity within our communities by listening and sharing one with another.
• Learn spiritual and practical tools that enable individuals to cultivate inner peace and gain an increased ability to live an authentic, gospel-centered life.
• Empower individuals to participate in furthering the Lord's work. We affirm that Jesus Christ alone has the power to heal, strengthen, and enable one's self to find eternal peace through living His gospel.

More information on North Star can be found on the organization's website.

Last September, North Star sent out an announcement inviting those within the North Star community to apply to be members of the organization committee for North Star's inaugural conference. Though I have been involved in several of North Star's discussion groups since they came about, I have never really taken the opportunity to serve or be more involved (as I had been in the past with other organizations). I saw this as a wonderful opportunity for me to get more involved as I had been wanting to do.


I was selected to help organize the conference and was placed on the logistics and hospitality committee. The committee I was on searched for and selected the venue for the conference, made arrangements with group rates for conference attendees at nearby hotels, and organized the volunteer efforts at the conference.

My biggest role was assisting with organizing the volunteer efforts. As I had previous experience in the past, I volunteered to create the volunteer schedule for the conference. Though it worked out in the end, and my previous experience was an asset, it was a much bigger task than anything I had done in the past. Rather than two different volunteer roles and about fifteen volunteers to schedule as I had in the past, there were six different volunteer roles and 40 volunteers to schedule. It was a daunting task, especially since I was busy preparing for a professional licensing exam and being a best man at a close friend's wedding in the weeks before the conference. And in spite of it all, everything worked out well in the end.

As I spent much of my time at the conference coordinating the volunteers, I was not able to attend all of the sessions. In spite of this, my experience of the conference was very positive.

The conference went from Thurs. May 29th through Sat. May 31st.

It started Thursday evening with a picnic. This was an informal gathering to give those that would be attending the conference the opportunity to socialize before the conference formally began. In particular, it was designed to give those who were new to events like the conference a chance to get to know other people that would be there. For those like me who have been attending similar events for years, it was a chance to socialize with old friends, and an opportunity to meet new people. I was able to do both.

The conference formally began Friday morning. I did not have the opportunity to attend very much of the opening session, though I did attend one of the breakout sessions later that morning (in fact, I had been asked to serve as the session chair, meaning I basically conducted the session), as well as part of one of the sessions later that afternoon. I was also able to take part in the catered lunch and the networking mixer later in the evening. Both provided great food, as well as the opportunity to socialize.

The evening ended with a concert by the local band Eclipse. I was not very familiar with Eclipse beforehand, and was considering leaving early, as it had been a long day. Though in the end, I am glad I went to the concert. I enjoyed the music, and it was a positive note to end the day with.

Saturday was a lot easier for me. Most of the volunteers knew what they were doing at this point, and so I had an opportunity to attend more of the sessions. In addition, my parents and my bishop also attended the conference on Saturday. For lunch that day, I sat at a table with my parents, their stake president (who I knew from my time growing up in the same ward), two of the conference chairs that I had worked closely with, and several others.

The lunch also consisted of an awards presentation. There were three awards: the Light Keeper Award (three recipients were awarded this year to make up for the lack of conferences in the first seven or eight years of North Star's existence), the Beacon of Light Award (an award that had been awarded annually at the Evergreen Conference, and a tradition which North Star chose to continue after Evergreen was consolidated under the North Star umbrella), and the Fred and Marilyn Matis Award (which appropriately was awarded to Fred and Marilyn Matis).

The conference ended with a closing session, after which I helped clean up and said goodbye to many friends, old and new.

For me personally, the conference served a number of purposes. First, it gave me an opportunity to serve and give back to an organization that has done a lot to provide me and countless others community, support in living a life of integrity, and hope along the journey. It also gave me an opportunity to re-connect with old friends, meet new friends, and gain more support in living my values. Attending the sessions also gave me the opportunity to hear others' perspectives, and to learn or review tools that can be of value for me.

From what I have been told, it is estimated that about 500 people attended the conference over the three days it was held. It was the success the organizers hoped it would be, and many of us are looking forward to next year's conference.

Report of the 2014 Circling the Wagons Conference

Last week, I posted a preview of this year's Circling the Wagons Conference. This week, I will be reporting on the talks and panel discussions at the conference. If you missed it, you can read it here.

The first speaker of the conference was Randall Thacker, who is the president of Affirmation. Randall spoke of how when people of different perspectives come together, we can provide a future and a hope, and that there is more than one way to do so.

He also spoke of the importance of allowing individuals to come to themselves, and to learn things for themselves, and that others cannot do this for them. He spoke of the parable of the Prodigal Son as an example of how God allows us to learn things for ourselves, to wander away, if that is what we choose, but will welcome us home with loving arms if we choose to return.

Lee Beckstead was the next speaker. He started by speaking of the great divide between mental health professionals on what the best way to respond to individuals experiencing same-sex attraction is. Many of them have viewed those who believe differently as the enemy, and these views have been based largely on fear.

He spoke of how there has been much wrong-doing, inaccuracies and misunderstandings among those on each side of the divide, and how this has forced those with more moderate views to feel that they have to choose a side. But he also spoke of how this divide could be bridged, and how he and others have been doing so.

Respectful and open dialogue is the key. When these are present, fear is decreased and barriers are broken down. He also spoke of the importance of safety, and how that can come both from within and from those around us. We are each responsible for our boundaries and needs, and we can help others by respecting their boundaries and needs.

He spoke of the necessity of conflict and opposition for growth, that without them, things remain stagnant. He closed by speaking of the need of the LGBTQ and SSA communities to combine for their common welfare.

David Matheson spoke next. He started by acknowledging that a lot of people were probably asking why he was speaking at the conference. He went on to present three questions: 1) How well do I handle ambiguity? 2) How aptly to I accept diversity? 3) How do I respond to the unknown or the unknowable?

He spoke of how things are created based on how individuals perceive things. There is opposition in all things, and this opposition creates contrast and diversity.

He shared the story of his own journey and how his own views and perceptions have shifted over the years. He spoke about how each of us can be authentic and own our own truth without imposing it onto others.

He spoke of the similarities and shared goals that those with diverse views share and how all of us are responsible for the community we are in. Each of us can be part of the solution to ending the misunderstanding and fear that have divided the community for so long.

The next segment of the conference consisted of sessions of dialogue workshops. As I've mentioned in other posts, I find it difficult to take notes from panel or group discussions, so what I report on these will be my impressions and what I remember from them.

For the first session, I attended the workshop titled “Navigating Church Activity as an LGBTQ or SSA Mormon." The moderator was Jamison Manwaring, and the panelists were Tom Christofferson, Ty Mansfield, John Gustav-Wrathall and Kayla Burningham. The panelists came from a variety of backgrounds, two of them currently in same-sex marriages, one in an opposite-sex marriage, and another single. Three had spent time away from activity in the LDS Church, though all actively attend now.

The panelists were asked a number of questions, including what motivates them to stay active in church, how they respond to misunderstanding from other Mormons and how to navigate the differences between Mormon culture, the LDS Church and spirituality. Members of the audience were also given the opportunity to ask and answer questions.

For the next session, I attended the workshop titled, “The Value of Listening to All Sides Respectfully.”

Jay Jacobsen was the moderator for this informal group discussion. Jay described his interest as coming from one who was one of the original founders of North Star, but later had a shift in his beliefs. He had noticed as he listened to both “sides” of the debate on homosexuality, that there were misperceptions, and in some cases, vilification of those on the other “side.” Having friends and those he cared about on both sides of the debate, he developed an interest in helping all to listen respectfully and work to understand those with different beliefs and perspectives.

We were each given the opportunity to participate in a discussion around why we were interested in respectful dialogue. I spoke a couple of times myself (which required stepping out of my self-consciousnessness, as the session was being audio recorded), and shared that my reasons for wanting to have respectful dialogue basically came down to the Golden Rule, and that I found that to truly listen to someone else respectfully and understand them that I had to suspend my own judgments, and realize that listening to a different point of view didn't mean that I had to change my own point of view, and that if I were in someone else's place, I would want the same respect, acceptance and understanding.

I enjoyed the discussion, and found it to be very productive. There was talk about it being easier to listen respectfully when we stopped viewing others as being on another “side.” There was also discussion about picking our battles. We may not be ready to engage in dialogue with some people, and there may be some that are not willing to dialogue with others in a respectful way.

The final session was broken into two parts. The first part consisted of a panel discussion titled,
Opening the Circle: Growing Out of Exclusivity,” and consisted of the therapists that have been meeting together that was mentioned earlier. The panel consisted of Lee Beckstead, David Matheson, Marybeth Raynes, Jim Struve, Jerry Buie, Shirley Cox and David Pruden.

The panelists discussed a number of the experiences they have had in the last year that they have been meeting together. Having been familiar with several of the panelists (and knowing a couple of them pretty well) beforehand, I was impressed with how well that these men and women had come to understand and respect one another. Some viewed others as enemies not long ago. But now, they have been able to set aside the differences and no longer view the others as being on another “side.” As one panelist said, “We all want what's best for our clients and those in this community.”

The second part of the final session was a talk given by Marybeth Raynes, who is a social worker and marriage and family therapist, who has years of experience counseling LGBT and SSA clients, as well as clients with unrelated issues.

She started by pointing out that when something seems too simple, it is often the case that we don't completely understand it. She continued by discussing child development, and how young children see those that are similar to themselves as good, and those that are different as bad. This is a type of black and white thinking that most children grow out of, though with a number of individuals, it persists into adulthood.

She spoke of how we do not need to identify with any one aspect of ourselves, but see our whole selves. And when we are able to integrate all of ourselves and feel whole and at peace, we can then see others that are different and listen to opinions and beliefs that are different than our own without feeling threatened. We will be able to truly listen and understand others.

Bridges are built and walls are torn down when we look for parallels and things we have in common. When we find things that can be agreed on, we can then expand from there. The key is to listen, understand and negotiate.

The conference ended with a social that included musical entertainment, as well as a chance to socialize and get to know one another.

Overall, I would consider the conference a success. Although there are still important issues to be discussed, I believe this year's conference has shown that it is possible to get people together from opposite sides of the divide on how to respond to homosexuality to talk and to understand and respect one another. I look forward to next year's conference.

* * * * * 

As always, comments and feedback are appreciated.

Preview of the 2014 Circling the Wagons Conference

Over this last weekend, the Circling the Wagons Conference was held. I was fortunate to have the opportunity to attend it.

The best way of describing Circling the Wagons is to read their statement of purpose:

The goal of Circling the Wagons Conference is to create spaces where LGBTQ or SSA Mormons and their families and friends can gather to acknowledge, explore and honor shared experiences. No issues strike more deeply than whom we love and how we understand our beliefs about ourselves and God. These issues carry an especially profound weight in Mormon communities and have been the source of a great deal of misunderstanding, judgment and hurt. Consequently, gay Mormons are deeply divided over how to address same-sex attraction and negotiate the choices they face.

In convening this conference, we are inviting LGBTQ/SSA Mormons and their families and friends to step beyond historic divisions to establish a shared space where all who have ever self-identified as Mormon can speak truthfully and respectfully. We welcome all who wish to participate in a spirit of fellowship and openness, with condemnation for none and compassion for all, in the hopes that all will experience personal renewal and discover a basis for common ground in our shared heritage.

Many of the goals of Circling the Wagons coincide with my own. In many ways, Circling the Wagons embodies my own goals of building bridges between those of different perspectives on how to approach homosexuality.

In the press release of the conference a couple of months ago, it was announced that two of the keynote speakers would be Lee Beckstead and David Matheson. Lee Beckstead is a psychologist who was on the APA task force that came out with the statement on the appropriate therapeutic response to homosexuality, and practices LGBT-affirming therapy in his private practice. David Matheson is a clinical mental health counselor who was one of the original founders of Evergreen, was a co-creator of the Journey into Manhood and is the director of the Center for Gender Wholeness whose purpose is to help men who experience their SSA as unwanted to diminish their feelings and change their self-perceptions.

These two men both come from Mormon backgrounds (Lee is no longer a practicing member of the LDS Church, while David is), and have very different views on the origins of homosexuality and how to approach it in a therapeutic setting. And yet they were coming together to speak at this conference, to talk about their differences of opinion in a respectful manner and to speak of the common ground that they have found.

The press release for this year's Circling the Wagons Conference included the following: “Beckstead, Matheson, and other therapists who have had disagreements about how to respond to same-sex attraction have met on several occasions during the last year in hopes that constructive communication will make it possible for them to work together for the benefit of all LGBT and same-sex attracted Mormons. To our knowledge, this is the first time an LGBT-affirming therapist and a therapist who helps individuals diminish homosexuality have spoken peacefully together at one conference.”

David Matheson was also quoted in the press release as saying, “I’m excited for the opportunity to speak at Circling the Wagons and to tell people about the hope Lee, myself and the other therapists have that LGBT and same-sex attracted Mormons and their families and friends can work together to help the people we all care about. Too many families experience too much conflict regarding same-sex attraction. I want to work towards healing those families and relationships. Sure, Lee and I have differences, but we've been genuinely surprised at how much we have in common and how much we genuinely care about each other. We want to demonstrate how we can work together for the good of everyone.”

I started this blog in large part to pursue these goals. At the time, I felt alone in my desire. While I knew that there were some others that felt on the fringes of both the SSA and LGBT communities, not being able to fully embrace or be completely accepted by either, I felt that people like me were few and far between. And it seemed that few others were really working to end the misunderstanding between these groups and focus on the common goals that they share.

I admit that I felt slightly uncomfortable going to the last Circling the Wagons Conference. My perception was that while the goals were good, there was an underlying tension preventing those goals from being fully realized. I didn't feel completely safe to completely be myself or speak my truth. This year had a much different, much more welcoming feel to it for me, and I was able to speak my truth without fear of being judged or shut down.

At the end of the conference, I took the opportunity to briefly speak with Lee Beckstead. Over ten years ago, when I was a young undergrad psychology student, I contacted Lee, trying to get different perspectives on approaches to homosexuality from and LDS perspective. Lee had invited me to meet with him at his office to discuss these topics. Although Lee was opposed to conversion therapy, I remember being impressed with the balanced view he had in respecting clients' religious beliefs and supporting them in living according to their values, even if that meant not taking on a gay identity. That was not something I saw a lot of back then.

When I spoke to Lee after the conference, I reminded him of our meeting, and told him that when I spoke to him before, the dialogue that was happening at this conference now was what I was looking for then. We both expressed joy that it was finally coming about.

* * * * *

Next week, I will break with the tradition of only posting every other week, and I will post my report of the Circling the Wagons Conference. As always, comments and feedback are welcome.

Report on 2013 Reconciling Faith & Feelings Conference

It's been a few months since my last blog post. I think in some ways it has been good for me to take a break. Now rather than posting because it's time to write a new post, I can post because I have something I want to write about.

Over this last weekend, the 2nd Annual Reconciling Faith & Feelings Conference was held in Provo, UT. The purpose of this conference is to provide a discussion for those that experience homosexual attractions and have a desire to live their lives according to the doctrines and teachings of the LDS Church. The format of the conference was a series of panel discussions in which the panelists would first be asked questions by the moderator, and would then have the opportunity to answer questions that had been asked by members of the audience. Members of the panels included those who personally experience same-sex attraction, along with spouses, parents, ecclesiastical leaders and counselors that have in some way been affected by homosexuality.

As was the case with last year's conference, I did not take notes as I find it difficult to take notes on panel discussions. What I report here is what I remember, and what my thoughts and impressions on the panels were. I'm also not going to report chronologically or what was said in specific panels (as I don't remember which panels everything was said in).

There were three different panels. The first panel consisted of those who personally experienced same sex attractions, and in the case of some of those who were married, their spouses. The second panel had a broad mix of individuals in all the categories I mentioned earlier. And the the third panel consisted of therapists who had experience counseling those experiencing same-sex attraction (some of whom also experienced SSA themselves).

The topic of change was addressed with the panelists being asked what change means to them. I was most impressed with David Matheson's response. He said that how change has been defined in relation to sexuality has changed over the last 20 to 25 years. It used to be that change meant changing one's attractions from primarily or exclusively homosexual to primarily or exclusively heterosexual attractions. He acknowledged that while this may happen for some, it is not the case for all. He stated that the issue is much more complex and that change can now mean a variety of things, and that the goal of therapy for those seeking counseling for unwanted same-sex attraction is not necessarily to shift the attractions, but to understand them and to change how one responds to them.

Another topic addressed was how to address attractions. For years the attitude in Mormon culture has been that homosexuality is something to be hidden, suppressed, and something that shouldn't be acted on. I heard that idea countered numerous times during the conference. At one point Ty Mansfield stated that it needs to be acted on, meaning that ignoring or suppressing would just increase the stress and anxiety surrounding it, and that there are healthy ways to address it within the context of living the principles of the gospel.

Another question concerned opening up to others about experiencing SSA. There were a variety of opinions on this, though there was a consensus that it should be shared to reduce the shame about the feelings. Some of the panelists suggested for those who have not opened up about it, that sharing it with a few trusted friends or family members was the best way to start out. It was also pointed out that there are also many who are completely open about it, having participated in Voices of Hope videos or essays, or through personal blogs about the topic.

The topic of how to respond to those in same-sex relationships also came up (whether they be friends or family members). Several spoke of continuing to show love and acceptance, and that one could do so without changing or compromising their values or beliefs. This had a lot of meaning for me, as it has only been about a year since I was in this position myself, and it was those that showed me love and acceptance that made it much easier for me to come back when the time came that I decided to re-commit myself to living the standards of the Church. In fact, without those that showed me love and acceptance during that time, I don't know for sure that I would have made the changes in my life and ended up where I am at now.

Another topic that had meaning for me was a question of how to come back to full activity in the Church after having spent time in same-sex relationships. One panelist spoke to what worked for her. She had difficulty at first as nearly all of her support network was in the gay community. She found that she eventually had to put some distance from some of those friends for a time and develop new friendships and support to make it through the transition. Another panelist spoke of friendships being a matter of mutual respect, and how those that were able to respect his decision remained his friends, while those who were not eventually dropped out of his life.

I will close by saying that one of the reasons this last topic was so meaningful for me is because it has reflected my own journey over the past year. In fact, it was after last year's conference that I ended my relationship with my then boyfriend and re-committed myself to living according to my religious beliefs. It has not been a smooth path back into full activity in the Church. There are a number of things I continued to struggle with, and a number of things of which I had trouble letting go.

But even though the path has not always been smooth, I find peace in knowing I am moving down the path that feels best for me, and that I believe will bring me lasting joy and happiness. I have made numerous friendships over the past year, as well as renewing friendships that I had made in the past. I feel loved and supported in my journey and goals.

Indeed, I got just as much out of the time spent with these friends that were with me at the conference as I did from the topics discussed. I was able to see and talk to and give and receive hugs from so many friends, both old and new. These types of events tend to be reunions of sorts for me, bringing together people both near and far and from a number of different time periods of my life. I really enjoyed the connection and camaraderie I got.

* * * * *

Though I will not be setting a schedule as to when or how often I post on my blog, I suspect that I will write again soon. So watch for new posts in the time to come. Thanks for reading, and as always, feel free to leave comments or feedback.

One Year of Blogging

It has now been one year since I started blogging. One year ago I started this blog to create dialogue and build bridges between different groups of people and communities that quite often don't understand one another and often strongly disagree with one another. During the past year I have written on a variety of topics, some of them rather controversial. I have made it a point to live up to the name of the blog and run against the grain. I have stepped out of the box of what is typically expected for a Mormon, for a bisexual man, and for an SSA man. I have stuck to what I believe, regardless of what others have expected of me.

It's been an interesting year. I initially had a list of topics that I wanted to write about. I was sometimes surprised at how quickly I moved through those topics and would have to find others to write about. Sometimes one came up just in time, and I would write about current events and my perspective on them. At other times I experienced writer's block, and struggled to find something to write about.

At one point I started sharing my personal story and introducing family members in my blog posts. I found this a wonderful opportunity for this normally rather shy and introverted guy to open up and share about himself with others.

At times I felt disappointed at the lack of comments and feedback I received on my blog posts. At times I would think that nobody was reading my blog. But then someone would write to me and mention that they read my blog, or they would mention it in a conversation. Where before I wondered if what I was writing was making any kind of impact, I heard from others what they thought of what I was writing.

For the last year, I have kept to a regular schedule of posting on my blog every other Monday. There have been times I've surprised myself for keeping it going this long without either missing a post or being late. For a man with ADD, keeping this up was quite a challenge, and posting regularly for a year is quite a personal accomplishment.

I have gotten a lot out of writing this blog for the past year. It has caused me to think on a deeper level on a number of controversial topics. And it has helped me with my mission of creating bridges of understanding and acceptance between the LGBT/Queer, SSA and Mormon communities.

It is with mixed feelings that I am announcing that I am putting the regular posting schedule of my blog on hiatus. I have come to realize that I need a break. There have been a number of times recently that writing a post has felt more like a chore than something I was doing because I want to do it. And I want this blog to be something I'm doing because I want to do rather than something I feel I have to do.

This does not mean that I am going to stop posting altogether or that I am going to shut my blog down. I still want to continue the "My Story" series, and there are a couple of other topics I have in mind that I want to write about. What it does mean is that I will not be posting on a regular schedule for the time being.

In closing this post, I want to thank everyone that has been reading this blog, whether this is the first post you have read or whether you've been reading everything I've posted for the last year. I also want to thank everyone that has shared with me their thoughts and feelings about what I've written, whether it was done publicly or privately. Please continue to do so. Knowing the impact I have means a lot to me. I look forward to continue hearing from the readers of this blog that have been a large part of what has kept it going.

My Story -Part 6

When I last left off in the "My Story" series, I had gotten up to the age of ten. In this post, I will cover another few years of my life. If you have not read the previous posts in this series, I have included links at the bottom of this post.

I continued to do well in school for fifth and sixth grades. Both years I had the same teacher for a fifth/sixth grade split class (meaning half the students in the class were in fifth grade, while the other half were in sixth grade). I continued to be shy, and was still slow to make new friends, though with the friends I did have I got along rather well.

By this time the school had converted to a year-round program to accommodate more students without having to build more schools or bring in more portable classrooms. There were four different "tracks," three of which would be in session at any given time. We would typically attend for about nine or so weeks, and then have three weeks off school. When we came back, we'd be in a different classroom. I remember at first how it felt different attending school during the summer, though it was nice to have breaks from school during the middle of the year.

I also continued to be a very avid reader. Our school was involved in a program called Book-It at the time, which rewarded students for reading outside of class. I was so far beyond the other students in the class, that at one point my teacher got permission from my parents to take me to lunch as a reward during an off-track period.

When I started junior high school, I continued to do well overall in school. It was during seventh grade that I stopped taking Ritalin for my ADD. There is some irony in the fact that I stopped taking it mostly due to forgetting to take it. Though because I was still doing well in school, and because some of my symptoms of ADD had dissipated, my doctor and my parents didn't see a strong need to keep me medicated.

The one exception to me doing well in school was P.E. (Physical Education or Gym class). While I maintained As and Bs in all of my other classes, P.E. was the one class where my grades dropped to the C range. It's not that I didn't participate, because I did, but I was not very well coordinated, athletically or otherwise, and had never had a whole lot of interest in sports. These factors came together to affect my grade.

P.E. in junior high school is also when I can first distinctly remember starting to notice my attractions to other boys and men. Though there was almost never any full nudity in the locker room while I was in junior high school, and I can only remember a handful of times that we were required to shower, being in daily situations of seeing other boys shirtless in the locker room, as well as when we'd differentiate teams by "shirts" and "skins," I was definitely getting more exposure to seeing other boys in states of undress. With this added to swimming activities in Boy Scouts, I started to notice that my curiosity about what others' bodies looked like was developing into something more. Over the first couple of years of puberty, this curiosity turned definitively into attraction.

The more I became aware of the attractions, the more I tried to hide and suppress them. I also hoped that this was some sort of phase that would soon pass. Obviously it didn't. I did not think of myself as gay, as that was a rather abstract term for me at the time, and from what I had heard from those around me, was full of lots of negative connotations and stereotypes that didn't fit me. I also didn't think of myself as bisexual at the time; while I did have some interest and attraction to girls, I was not familiar with the term bisexual at the time.

I also noticed early on that I seemed to be alone in my attractions to other boys and men. I remember some sleepovers with my scout troop in a leader's backyard (in which our leader and his family were sleeping inside) or other sleepovers with groups of friends in which we'd get into games of truth or dare. Though nothing overtly sexual happened with these dares, some of them did involve flashing, mooning or stripping. I quickly noticed that I seemed to be the only one that was interested in closely watching in dares that involved nudity, and I remember the embarrassment and shame I felt when others noticed me looking much more intently than others during these dares. I tried to play it off when I got teased about it, but in reality, I was horrified at being found out. The teasing, while fairly mild in nature at this time, reinforced the sense of feeling different and pushed me to further suppress and hide my attractions from others.

During the summer after I finished 7th grade, my scout troop went on a week-long scout camp. It was during this time that I first developed an infatuation or crush on another boy. The camp counselor assigned to our troop was about a year or two older than me. I quickly found myself drawn to him. Though I did see him as physically attractive, it was his personality that drew me in more than anything else. He was outgoing and friendly (and in particular, he was friendly toward me). I just found myself always wanting to be with him or around him. Though I never saw him again after the camp, I definitely thought about him a lot in the weeks after I got home.

When I was in 8th grade, my parents sold their home in Kearns and we moved. As it took them some time to find a house that they liked, my family ended up living with my mom's parents for about seven or eight months. During this time, my youngest brother was born. So for most of that time, we had eleven people living in one house. There was little privacy, and me and my brothers and sisters alternated between the one bedroom set aside for the children and sleeping on couches, sofa-beds, and love sacks.

I was able to deal with the living conditions without much problem. What did become difficult for me was when we started attending church in my grandparents' ward and I started attending school in the neighborhood. As was common for me, I was rather shy, and slow to make friends. That in itself was something I'd learned to accept and deal with about myself.

What was difficult for me was that I wasn't well accepted by the other boys my age in the neighborhood. Several of them I had met before, as they were my grandparents' neighbors' kids. But as far as most of them were concerned, I was just the new kid in the neighborhood and therefore an object of teasing and ridicule. What made it worse for me was that on the surface they acted like they accepted me. It gave me a false sense of acceptance and comfort at first. Afterwards I felt as if I had been lured in, only so they had someone they could tease and make the butt of their jokes. It would have been easier for me if they rejected me outright. Instead, they pretended to be my friends.

There was one boy that I was able to form a tenuous friendship with. When we were hanging out one-on-one, we got along fine. But whenever he was with the group, he reverted back to the group mentality and teased me just as much as the others.

As I'd already learned to hide my attractions, I continued to do so around this group. In fact, one could almost say that I over-compensated. I remember one instance when we were walking home from school in which several of them mooned me, and I responded by covering my eyes and acting disgusted.

But the real lesson I learned from this experience was that not only did I need to hide my attractions, I also needed to hide my feelings, because the teasing wasn't nearly so bad when they couldn't see that they were getting to me.

It was much to my relief when the end of the school year came and my family moved into our new house in Murray. I saw it both as an escape from the incessant teasing that bordered on bullying, and an opportunity to have a new start with new friends.

* * * * *

My Story -Part 1
My Story -Part 2
My Story -Part 3
My Story -Part 4
My Story -Part 5

I am now up to the age of fourteen, and once again feel that I have reached a good stopping point. As always, I appreciate your comments and your feedback.

The Pros and Cons of Pride

Last month, a number of cities around the country and around the world held Pride celebrations. There was one held in Salt Lake City at the beginning of June. I did not attend it this year, though I have attended it the past two years. My experiences at Pride have left me with mixed feelings. There are definitely positive things that I saw about Pride, although there were also negative things. In this post, I will discuss both.

As I mentioned, many Gay Pride festivals, parades and marches took place last month. The reason that so many take place in June is because the first Gay Pride March took place on the anniversary of the police raid on the Stonewall Inn and the ensuing Stonewall Riots that occurred on June 28, 1969. The Stonewall Riots marked the birth of the modern Gay Rights Movement. The first Gay Pride marches took place on June 28, 1970 in New York City, Chicago, and Los Angeles. In 1971, seven more cities held marches, and by 1972, the number of cities holding marches had increased to 17, and every major city in the United States had gay rights groups.

Pride does a lot of good for the queer community. It provides an opportunity to gather together. It provides visibility. It brings awareness of discrimination, bigotry and violence that still does take place against LGBT people. And it helps bring in others to support the group. It also provides awareness about the risk for AIDS and other STDs. It provides awareness and support for those at risk for suicide. And it provides countless other resources for those in the queer community.

I would argue, however, that Pride celebrations do just about as much harm as good. I'll illustrate what I personally noticed with the first time I attended a Pride celebration two years ago. I ran in a 5K hosted by the local Pride Center, watched the parade and attended the festival. This was all here in Utah, so my observations may or may not apply to Pride celebrations in other cities.

At the time I was working to balance my sexuality and spirituality, both of which were important to me. At all of the events that I went to, I noticed a general anti-religious tone and a specific anti-Mormon tone. This not only made me feel uncomfortable attending, but also made me feel feel less than completely welcome. Because I was religious and I was Mormon, I did not fit the mold of what someone in the queer community should be (at least according to the opinions I heard). I found some bitter irony that a group that so strongly fights bigotry and discrimination in one area was so willing to take part in it in another area.

The other aspect that flavored my first experience with Pride was the overt display of sexuality. I remember one man in particular in the parade that was wearing so little, that what little was covered left almost nothing to the imagination. And though he was the most extreme example, he was far from the only one. I remember joking with a friend afterward that if I wanted to look at porn, I could have stayed at home. Quite frankly, I did not find either the parade or the festival to be family friendly. There is no way I would consider taking one of my younger nieces or nephews to a Pride event. They do not need that kind of exposure to sexuality.

I think both of these aspects of Pride that I observed do a great disservice to the queer community. Rather than creating understanding for those that struggle the most to see the queer community as anything other than sexual deviants who despise religion, it reinforces those stereotypes. It ignores the opportunity to gain allies and create bridges of understanding, and instead widens the gap of separation, resentment and misunderstanding that already exist.

I am not opposed to Pride celebrations, as I do believe that they do a lot of good. But if they are to be successful in their goals of reducing or eliminating discrimination, bigotry and misunderstanding, some things are going to need to change. Instead of being little short of a gay Mardi Gras, Pride celebrations could take a lesson from the Civil Rights marches of the 1960s that did so much more to create the needed changes in society.

As always, your comments and feedback are welcome and appreciated.

Maintaining a Respectful Dialogue (Even When It's Easier Not To) and My Guest Post on Mormon Geeks

This will be one of my shorter posts. I wrote a guest post on another blog a few days ago (which I will discuss later), and I've found myself with less time than I'd like to write a post for this blog.

Recently, issues around homosexuality have become more prominent in the media again. In New Jersey, a bill banning any type of Sexual Orientation Change Therapy for minors (similar to one that passed in California last year) was recently passed in an assembly panel. Also, as the Supreme Court's current session is near its end, rulings on the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and California's Prop. 8 could come as soon as today.

Both these issues are controversial and are very polarized. I've already seen comments in social media on both sides of these issues that are anything but respectful to those who disagree with their positions. Personally, I find some irony in the fact that many of those that are in favor of expanding rights in one of theses situation are in favor of limiting rights in the other. And many in both groups feel that those in the other are trying to limit their rights. Considering this, it shouldn't be that difficult to empathize with someone else that also feels that their rights are being limited.

It's really easy to just see the other side as the opposition that needs to be silenced or overcome, and nothing more. It takes more effort to work to understand others with whom we disagree and to see that they may have a legitimate reason for their opinions as well.

But, as I've often found in life, the easy thing to do is rarely the best thing to do.

My hope is that we will maintain a respectful dialogue with those with whom we disagree, even when it's easier not to.

And speaking of "hope", that is the topic of my guest post on Mormon Geeks. Keeping hope is something that has helped me (and continues to help me) through difficult times in my life. So if you want to read a slightly different flavor of my writing, read my guest post and let me know what you think.

Men's Groups and Men's Work

Most of those closest to me know that I have been involved in men's groups and men's work for the past several years. While my involvement in these groups has been extremely helpful and rewarding to me, I have had a difficult time explaining to those not involved in men's work exactly what it is. While in this post, I will touch on what men's work is, I will spend more time sharing about my experience with it and what I get out of it, as I believe that will tell much more about it than simply describing it.

About nine or ten years ago, during the time in which I was attending a support group for SSA men that were committed to living LDS standards, I first started hearing about a couple of different experiential weekends for men. The first was called Journey into Manhood and was specifically for SSA men that wanted to find growth, change and healing as an alternative to living homosexual lifestyles or being in homosexual relationships. The second was called the New Warrior Training Adventure and was for any man that wished to attend, and focused on emotional authenticity, personal responsibility, living lives of purpose and mission, and having a supportive community.

I had a number of men in my life that invited me to go to Journey into Manhood (JiM), though I declined for several years, mostly due to the cost. I also remember questioning how much one weekend could accomplish. Finally, after several years, and hearing from literally dozens of friends that had overwhelmingly positive experiences attending JiM, in 2007, I finally decided to go. And it was a wonderful experience for me, giving me the opportunity to truly feel and express my emotions, let go of a lot of the shame I'd been carrying and make a lot of positive connections and develop new friendships, some of which have lasted through today.

After going through JiM, I attended a follow-up therapy group that built on the principles and experiences of the JiM experience. I attended for a few months before I started attending an Integration Group (I Group), which is a follow-up group for the New Warrior Training Adventure (NWTA). With some encouragement from some of the staff and participants of my JiM weekend, as well as the men in my I Group, I signed up for an NWTA in Colorado, and attended it with a couple of friends from the Utah JiM community.

This was also a powerful experience for me, also filled with personal awareness, connection and friendship. And since that time I have regularly attended men's groups, be it an I Group or a MANS Group (a follow-up group for JiM) or sometimes both. Since going through these weekends, I have gone on to staff a JiM weekend, as well as several NWTAs. I've found that I get just as much out of staffing the weekends as I did going through them as a participant.

I also very recently went through JiM for a second time. After all of my life experiences over the last two or three years, it felt like a good time to re-connect with what I learned the first time I went through it. And I found that though going through JiM a second time was a very different experience than the first time, it was just as powerful an experience as the first time I went through.

It was, in fact, an I Group that helped give me the vision that inspired me to start this blog. One of the I Groups that I attended over the years had men that were SSA, men that were gay, men that were straight, men that were LDS, and men of no religious background in it. And we were all able to accept each other as we were without trying to change each other. As I saw this within that group, I began to see the possibility of this happening on a larger scale.

Being in an I Group also gave me needed support during the period of time I was questioning my choices around my religion and my sexuality. It gave me a place I could go and be authentic about what I was going through, while still receiving love, acceptance and support.

I have attended and continue to attend men's groups and do men's work because I see that it helps me better myself. The men I have met in men's groups and by doing men's work have become some of my closest friends and brothers. They support me as they are able to show me my blind spots, both good and bad, and helping me to keep them where I can see them. When I don't see them, I miss out on seeing many of the positive qualities about myself, and the negative qualities that I don't see start controlling my behavior. It's a place I can go and be authentic and open about all of me, both good and bad, and still be loved, accepted and supported, which goes a long way in moving past the shame that has held me down for many years. And I also get close connection, friendship and brotherhood with other men, which is something I've needed, but has been lacking earlier in my life.

In more intellectual terms, much of what I experience in men's work can be described as a mix of the use of Jungian archetypes, psycho-drama, cathartic release, and unconditional positive regard. And I believe that describing what I get out of it speaks a lot more about men's work than describing exactly what we do in the groups and on experiential weekends.

And that, in a nutshell is my experience with men's groups and men's work. As always, comments and questions are welcome.

My Story -Part 5

When I left off with "My Story" in my last blog post, I had gotten up to the age of six years old. In this post, I will cover a few more years of my childhood. If you have not read the previous entries in the "My Story" series, I have included links to them at the bottom of this post.

As I mentioned in my last post, I became an avid reader at a very young age. I enjoyed fiction the most (and I would read fiction in a variety of subjects), though I was also known to take an interest in reading from the encyclopedia and other types of non-fiction. Usually, once I picked up a book, I didn't want to put it down.

I can recall experiences from my childhood that I was more interested in reading than in playing with friends. If I was involved in a book when a friend came by, I'd more often than not want to continue what I was reading rather than  play with my friend.

I did well enough in school in Kindergarten and first grade, though I definitely had an active imagination. And it was very easy for me to get lost in my imagination when I was supposed to be focused on something else. My first grade teacher once had a conversation with my mom about that, and she also spoke of at times seeing me just stare at my pencil for periods of time, probably trying to figure out how the lead was put in there.

Once I entered second grade, being able to focus on school work started to become more of a problem, as I would still find it very easy to get lost in my imagination when I was supposed to be focused on something else. When it came to assignments involving reading, including a class competition for reading, I did very well (in fact, I spent more time reading at home than all but one other person in the class). Though when it came to other assignments, I would get distracted rather easily. I remember charts kept in class tracking our progress in completing various types of assignments, and I was almost always behind nearly everyone else in the class.

Shortly after finishing second grade, I was diagnosed by my pediatrician as having Attention Deficit Disorder. Shortly after starting third grade, I started taking a low dose of Ritalin. This was long before extended release versions were available, and I remember having to stop by the office at lunch every day to take my second dose of the day.

The difference in my ability to focus from before I started taking medication was like night and day. I was now able to focus on my school work and much more easily complete assignments. When I was in third grade, my school separated students into different classes for math and English based on what level they were at. I met with my former 2nd grade teacher for English, and she noticed the difference firsthand.

I continued to do well in fourth grade, remaining near the top of my grade level in reading, and at average or slightly above in most other subjects. I also continued to do well as far as citizenship grades went. I was definitely an introvert during my childhood, and it was almost unheard of for me to be disciplined in school for any behavior problems.

Though Jaron and Evan (mentioned in my previous post) remained my closest friends throughout my childhood, I do recall making other friends during my early years in school. There was Dylan that lived down the street that I was close to for a couple of years, until his family moved away. There was Derek that I met in school, and formed a friendship with due to some of our common interests. And there was Don that lived a few streets away that I was also close friends with for a period of time. Throughout most of my childhood, I was also close to my cousin Lance, who was only a month older than me.

I also had several female friends, one of which lived in the neighborhood for a few years. She was the same age as me, and we were also in the same grade in school. At about the age of seven, it was from this girl that I received my first real introduction to the differences between boys and girls. As this is the only experience of this type in my childhood that had involved any kind of touch, it is something that has stuck with me through the years.

We did not go on too many trips or vacations when I was younger (other than an occasional overnight camping trip, or sometimes staying overnight with my uncle and his family in Wyoming that lived about two hours away), so the few trips that we did take stick out to me.

My first big vacation that I can remember was when I was nine. My grandparents took me, my brother Matt, and my cousin Lance on a road trip. We first stopped in Reno, where we stayed at Circus Circus (which as kids, we thoroughly enjoyed), and then went on to the Bay Area where we stayed for several days with my aunt and uncle. While we were there we visited San Francisco, some some other sites in the Bay Area, and (for us three boys) had our first experience playing on the beach.

The only other vacation I went on during my childhood was about a year later when I was ten. My dad (who at the time did contract work as a drywaller) was offered a job in southern California, and so my parents made it into a vacation for us. We first drove down and stayed in Boulder, NV, where we got to tour the Hoover Dam. After staying there for a day or two, we then drove down to the L.A. area where we went to Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm, Univeral Studios, as well as another trip to the beach.

One other event of importance during this time of my life was my baptism. About two weeks after my eighth birthday, I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Though I had attended church with my parents before this, and continued to do so afterward, this has remained an important milestone in my life.

* * * * *

My Story -Part 1
My Story -Part 2
My Story -Part 3
My Story -Part 4

I am now up to about the age of ten, and once again, this feels like a good stopping point. Stay tuned for future blog posts in which I will continue my story.

As always, feel free to leave comments or ask questions, whether here on the blog, or by sending me a private message.

My Story -Part 4

It's been a couple of months since my last installment of the "My Story" series. Most of the series so far has consisted of introductions to members of my family. This post will resume the sharing of my story. If you have not yet read the previous installments of "My Story," I have included links to them at the end of this post.

As I mentioned earlier in this series, my earliest memories begin around the time I was two years old, which also coincides with the birth of my brother Matt.

My dad has told the story of the day my brother was born. While my mom was in the hospital, and he was at home with me, I made a mess by dumping a ten pound container of sugar all over the kitchen floor. I actually remember this, though it wasn't until much later in life that I made the connection that this was the same day that my brother was born.

Being so close in age, Matt and I were pretty close growing up. We often shared a bedroom and we did a lot of stuff together. And as is often the case with little brothers, he was also good at annoying me (though just as often unintentionally as not), most often wanting to do things with me that I either wanted to do by myself or with my own friends. Though we had many of the same problems that most brothers do, overall we did get along pretty well.

My best friends during my childhood were also my closest neighbors. There was Jaron, who lived across the street from me and was born eight days after me. And there was Evan, who lived next door, and was about six months younger than me. I saw more of Jaron as we were in the same grade in school, though as we got older, our interests diverged. Evan and I tended to have more common interests growing up, and so we would often play together when we were younger, though we were a grade apart in school.

I was very sensitive as a child. I both have been told this by my parents and I have memories of it as well. It would take very little to get me upset over something, usually resulting in me crying. When this happened in public, there were times I got teased or laughed at. I believe that this played a role in shaping my interactions with others when I got older. To avoid negative reactions from others, I often remained quiet, withdrawn and closed off, as a defense against letting others get close enough to me emotionally to hurt me. I would often open up more as I got to know someone better, but early on, I would usually be very shy and introverted.

As I mentioned before, when I was younger my mom taught pre-school in our home. I attended it for two years before I started kindergarten. Being the teacher's son, I think I often got away with more than I should have. I recall at times claiming I felt "tired" as an excuse to go to my room and play.

I also recall experiencing separation anxiety from my mom when I first started kindergarten. I'm sure I wasn't the only five-year-old to experience this, but I can recall not wanting my mom to leave me with strangers I didn't know. Though I was able to adapt pretty quickly, it has left me with a clear memory of my first day of kindergarten. This is one of the first memories I have of the social anxiety that has endured with me into adulthood.

I was also a quick learner. I learned to read rather quickly (having a mother that was also a teacher, and had materials for young children definitely helped). I believe that it was during my first couple of years of elementary school that I developed the love of reading and learning.

* * * * *
My Story -Part 1
My Story -Part 2
My Story -Part 3


Though I have only gotten up to about age six, due to time and space constraints, this seems to be a good place to stop. I plan on continuing with another segment of this series in my next blog post in two weeks.

As always, feel free to leave comments or to ask questions, whether directly on my blog, on the Facebook link, or by sending me a private message.

One Year Later

Ten days ago marked the passing of one year since a significant event in my life. On April 12, 2012, I published a letter to my profile wall on Facebook in which I came out publicly about my sexual orientation. I shared in a blog post last summer about my reasons for coming out, as well as the response I got after doing so.

Now that a year has passed since I went public about my sexuality, I want to share what my life is like now.

When I initially came out a year ago, I was deliberately vague about the choices I was making around my sexuality. First, that was not the reason I was opening up about my sexuality. Second, at the time I didn't want to post something divisive, as I have a large group of friends that have varied opinions on what the most appropriate way is to respond to one's sexual orientation. And third, I was trying to minimize possible personal rejection.

In response to the first reason, enough time has passed that my reasons for being open about my sexuality should no longer be confused with my choices around my sexuality. Second, since starting this blog, I have posted about several different topics that tend to be controversial and divisive, and the dialogue to these posts has remained respectful. Third, while coming out about my sexuality a year ago was a big step in authenticity for me, I've found that I've continued to let fear hold me back from being fully authentic about my life choices regarding my sexuality. I've long known that the best way to overcome fear is to step into it. And that is what I am doing with this post.

At the time I came out, I was trying to maintain a balance between my sexuality and my spirituality/religious beliefs. I viewed both as being a part of who I am. I had been exploring my attractions to men in ways that I had never really allowed myself to in the past. While at the same time, I was still occasionally attending church, and maintaining a link to my Mormon beliefs that were also part of who I was.

I had some well-meaning friends that encouraged me to leave my LDS faith behind. To that I responded that I could no more cut off the part of me that was LDS than I could cut off my arm. It's true that technically I could do it, but it would leave me mutilated and incomplete. It would be cutting off part of who I was, and I wasn't willing to do it.

For the past year, I'd been maintaining this balance. On the one side, I was dating men and exploring the possibility of a relationship with a man. On the other side, I was attending church, and keeping my connection to my LDS faith. The balance was working at the time, though I was under no illusion that it was a permanent solution.

From time to time, I'd experience what is known in psychology terms as cognitive dissonance. My actions were not matching my beliefs and I felt conflicted. The one thing that did keep me going was my belief in a God that was a loving father that loved me regardless of my actions. I never felt certain that He approved of all of my choices, but I was certain that He loved me.

At the time that I came out, I was dating another man. I had discussed with him early on where I was at, and he let me know that he supported me finding what worked best for me, even if that didn't involve a relationship with him. I appreciated the freedom to explore what worked best for me.

During this same time period, I started meeting with a counselor that a couple of different friends had recommended to me to work through the internal conflict that I had been experiencing. She had no agenda as far as which path was best for me to take. She only wanted to help me find what was best for me.

After meeting with her for a few months, I finally did come to a place of clarity, and decided what path was best for me. We had explored the possibilities for me of going down several different paths. The one that brought me the most peace and held the least amount of conflict and anxiety was living according to my LDS beliefs.

Shortly after, I spoke with the man I had been dating, and shared with him what I had discovered, and told him of my decision to return to full activity in the LDS Church. As he told me he would before, he supported my decision. I also shared with several other close friends, and soon opened up to the bishop of the ward I lived in, and began working with him to progress towards my goals of being fully active and in good standing in the Church.

The path I have chosen has not always been smooth, and there have been times that that I have questioned whether it was what I really wanted. But I have always felt guided back to it, and I believe that it is the path that is best for me and will bring me the most peace.

I have a lot of friends that are also sexual minorities. There is great variety in how each has chosen to respond to their sexuality. I respect the right of each of them to decide what is the best and most authentic way to live their lives, and I offer each of them my support as they do so. I am grateful for the friends and family that showed me this same love and support during my journey as I found my path.

When I came out a year ago, bisexual was the term that felt best for me. I am still comfortable using it even though I am now celibate and will likely remain so for some time. But I am also comfortable using the term SSA. Which term I use will often depend on who I'm with, how much understanding they have of the terminology, and how much time I have to explain.

When I first started this blog last summer, it was shortly after I made this self-discovery and decision, and as such I felt on the fringes of both the LGBT and SSA communities. I have since come to see that there is a place for me to find acceptance in each, even though I don't often find myself of the mainstream opinion in either group. But I am willing to continue going against the grain in either group if it feels it is the right thing to do.

Just as I did not know what the response would be when I came out a year ago, I do not know what the response will be to my decision to be more authentic about my life. Some people know all about my journey these last few years. Up until now, there will have been some that never knew that I left the path I was once on, as well as others that did not know that I have chosen to return to it.

My reason for posting this is not to change anyone's mind about what is the best way to address their sexuality, as I believe that everyone has to find out and decide for themselves what path is best. My only hope is that I will continue to receive the love and support that I got when I did come out.

As I said a year ago, I am still the same person that you have always known, only now more open and authentic about who I am, as well as how I have chosen to live my life.

As before, I welcome comments and questions, provided they maintain a respectful dialogue.

Also as before, I do not know exactly what life has in store for me, though I do look forward to finding out.